Should I expose it?

Many times we think we should keep silent about abuse. Your taught to keep quiet when you suffered any kind of abuse. That is really sad, is this what you wanna teach our new generation? thats its okay? wether its in a home, or in church. Let’s talk about it…

I have been re-forming myself a lot lately, and a lot of that has to do with my mindset…you can NOT begin to change your life, without sowing seeds of NEW THOUGHTS in your mind. Operating from that old auto pilot mind frame causes same cycles to just be on repeat…but its all up to YOU!

As i write today, I am exposing manipulation in the CHURCH… God has opened my eyes in a very keen way. I’ve waited for years to expose it. There are a remnant of people that I am sure see it, but think they should just tolerate it. I will no longer be silent about it.

Disclaimer: THIS IS NOT FROM A PLACE OF RESENTMENT. This is from of level of my freedom, and revelation, as did the prophet Ezekiel did when he wrote about what God revealed to him about the church…

Starting with leadership… They use manipulative tactics to lead their congregation, sadly in my beginning of leading I partook of this myself. I thought it was the way. I even noticed back then I would allow my flesh to act funny, and be self-righteous about it, to validate my behavior. Back then, I had this issue with low esteem…so Pastors picked up on that, and used it as a power tool for their personal gain. Anytime I wanted to do anything outside of their church I was rebuked. And because I wanted to please God, I tried to submit to it. Fast forward… prophesying to people out of your flesh is just that flesh. Using the pulpit to throw off on people is not Gods way. Yes, God will use us to deal with things as He leads us.

Witchcraft is right in the church. Manipulations, narcism, power struggles. I no longer want to partake of the mess that goes on. One in particular recently came under my post and threw a slur off under my photo…really they use that as a tactic so I could come running to their church by using craftiness…before it would have worked, but now I’m more aware of how manipulation works. I deleted the comment, called my friend and told them what happened.

Before, bae use to try to open my eyes, but because I focused on their title and their soothing ways, I was blinded by that. The whole time, I did not heed wisdom, so I got hurt. That could have been avoided if I had just listened.

Proverbs 4:23 Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.

Also, you must take time to heal in your soul from deep seated issues, if not, you’ll let people play with you.

This is part 1.

Gardner J

Shadows of Depression

I have struggled with depression my whole life. I didn’t even know it had a name. It did not matter what I was going through, I felt so dead inside. I felt dark and plagued with negative thoughts. I battled in secret because I was ashamed to admit it. Why am I writing about this? because it necessary. People are suffering in silence. They are afraid to admit it, especially in a society that only accepts ”strong” their outlook on what ”strong” should look like. So usually ones hide it.

These are things you can do while taking your medicine. Journaling down what you feel can help so much. Now I manage me a lot better. I watch what I am thinking. This requires discipline, but the results are amazing…

Sometimes no matter what you do the shadows of depression tries to haunt you…it breathes its dark breath down your back. The fight is strong, but you are strong through God’s mighty armor.

It is ok to admit you have a problem, Jesus died to rescue us from inner battles, as well as outer battles.

Gardner J

Are you okay with being you?

As I was sitting here in quiet time thinking: who am I in the raw? We spend the most time with ourselves, more than we would ever spend with any other individual. Here’s the things… we teach ourselves to love ourselves, as long as we are performing perfectly in our talents, gifts, and strengths. How about the immature part of us, the non developed parts, the parts that nobody see? Then…the part of us that we like but think people will reject us, if they knew, so we hide it…

It’s important to love all of you, even the parts of you that are not so good. Im not even trying so hard anymore, hard as in, worrying about if I am going to overcome this or that, I’m releasing control. Does that mean I’m stopping putting forth effort to grow? absolutely not, it means: I’m stopping vain efforts. I’m stopping unnecessary worrying. Many times we worry that God doesn’t love us because were undone, He is not mediocre, sadly our human nature makes us believe the more perfect we are, the more God approves us. Does he expect better from us as we grow? yes! but he loves us through the process…

Comprehend my overall meaning of this blog, it can be very freeing. Cease trying to control every outcome, and learn to trust the process. Love yourself while you are growing. When you go out to start a garden, you don’t immediately see results, so do we go out there and curse the garden out because its not moving fast enough? think about it.


Exercise the inward muscles?

Exercise requires labor! a push. A pull. A stretch. It requires effort to improve in areas that are out of shape. Nothing comes easy…nothing!

•Relationships require work

Your job requires work (obviously)

Raising your children requires work (especially if you wanna see healthy children grow into mature adults)

•Faith without works is dead

Even the gifts that were given to us by God…require work. If you want to operate in that gift, you must put in practice, and dedication. It requires effort to improve that special gift. I hear ones say: I want healing in my soul…and I believe they do…but they are not always willing to put in the effort to get that result. Remember…talk is cheap, unless you increase it’s value by adding committed work, effort, and discipline to it.

Start with one area at a time. For me, I am learning boundaries. That was the last thing my therapist and I worked on together. Exercising this area is hard. Why? because I have never worked thar particular muscle, so I’m out of shape in that area. But it don’t have to be that way forever, and it won’t, because I choose to gain control in that.

You gotta put in the hard work. Be willing to lose unnecessary flab, and get ready to gain what you have been imagining.

Juanita, seed planter, developer, teacher, mentor, and life coach


You know, intimacy is not limited to sex, making love, or screwing alone. When I was younger, I use to believe it was, but now that I’ve matured in concept, I know better. Thank goodness!

***Some have no idea how to hold an adult conversation. Conversation is the bedroom for Intimacy. Why is this? because this is where you can touch the inner soul of each other. You can not go deeper with anyone by holding only surface conversations. Be willing to go and grow with your partner. Touch each others minds and emotions. Touch on conversations that may be difficult, allow them to correct you. Now the correction part is hard, when you confuse correction with abuse. This happens alot, thats why its so important to heal…because if not, you’ll miss out on connection. Now heres what happens…

✨When couples attempt to touch these depth and levels, it’s important to assure one another that you love them, this builds a foundation of trust. This is also the reason relationships shouldn’t be based off of lust, but true love, so that you can work along side of each other…facing these inner giants, and healing from them.

Two minds touching each other is intimacy. Two hearts touching each others is intimacy…without thinking they are going to hurt you like from your past. And trusting them to help you heal, and vice versa.

For me, I value sacred moments with those that I can trust being vulnerable with. You don’t just be vulnerable with everyone. I did that with a ex friend, and boi did I make a huge mistake, but that doesn’t mean they are a bad person, just means, everyone isn’t deserving of that space in your life. I recently learned, when your all in, you will be vulnerable and that use to scare me. See, you can focus so much on ”I’m afraid of being hurt again, that you lose focus on building your intimate relationship.” Don’t make this mistake, because you may lose a valuable person.

I would like to write more about intimacy…so hope to do that soon.



Not all thinking is bad. God gave us the ability to think. He just don’t want us to abuse this beautiful ability by worrying. He uses our mind to impress upon us His ideas, and His thoughts. Many times, that is how we get insight…see Romans 12:2 so that you can prove what is that good and acceptable will of God. You see here, when we renew our minds God can impress His thoughts into our minds, our minds is like womb where God can deposit His will in. Also, Philippians 4:8 talks about: ”thinking.” telling us how to properly use our minds.

So…I have been thinking on how I can deal with some things in my life to be a better me. Change from the inside out always brings lasting OUTER changes. I use to try to change my outside without changing my insides…and by insides, I’m referring to: my mindSETS, and emotional state. We never truly realize how we are, until we want to change, adleast for me that has been. I have closely examined myself. Dear hearts, this is how growth starts. Growth does not start off as a tree, it starts with a mindSET to change, a willingness and discipline to START and commit to it. Why do you need commitment? because throughout the process, you’ll want to give up…especially when stress from life pressures you. It will bring a pressure to try and push you back to the unchanged you. I have seen this in my own life too many times. It is easy to give up and give in. I’m yet still working within me, and along side of God to make me new in my soul in areas.

This process is hard. It’s uncomfortable, its quite riveting, but I am facing it. If people in your sacred space don’t hold you accountable, and let you know when you are wrong (and I’m not talking of disrespectful people) then they aren’t truly loving you. Not people who don’t examine their own-selves. People will act out and expect you not to say nothing and take their ugly ways…no! this is wrong! real friends will confront you. Love yourself enough to grow.


I’m not with it

I am done with it! I am done suppressing what God has really showed me, and dealt with me about. There is a beginning to this story and it started about 15 years ago…

I had a craving for MORE. I was hungering for what I did not know, but somehow I knew what I had been in was no longer it. I actually was tired of the same old same…

I ventured out to a new place in God, that led me to a deeper knowing in my relationship with Him, of course I was called every name under the sun…a betrayer, people in the church turned their back on me, ones I would have never thought would. See, many of these people thought it was godly to throw me in a ditch…I was alone…

In that journey, I too made bad choices, as I was dealing with rejection & abandonment, and really, I did not hear alot about soul healing. I only heard I had demons😩. Isn’t that something? I was called crazy, because I was different. See, people will call crazy what they don’t understand, they didn’t know how to minister to the purpose that was within me. I’ve not had good experiences with churches or church people. I got tired of shouting and falling out then going home feeling mentally challenged…and you dare not mention it, or you were being influenced by demons. Tbh, church messed me up!

Now, I do not omit my foundation, as it has been my beginning. But I hate religion! I do! I realize NOW more so, I am not called to be a religious teacher. I tried to do it. I tried to copy the protocols. I tried it, but its not for me. See, I wanna KNOW HIM Phillipians 3:10. Religiosity will hinder KNOWING who Christ really is. Thats all I will NOW be about.

I will be teaching those whom are willing to learn and grow in this very revelation. See, religion will teach you how to jerk, run around, have a form, and putting on an outer show…but no inner change & growth. And personally, I been done with it. It’s not for me.

I can not wait to see others that are connected to me grow in their relationship with God…

Spiritual Teacher, Gardner, Juanita

Reality, and Rawness of life

God is getting ready to use me to impact other lives in the near future, and each time before a thing like that happens…He requires MORE of me😩. This NEW depth is very uncomfortable tbh. He is pulling on me for change in areas of my life. No numbing, no running, no hiding, facing it! now I understand the verse more that says: We are more than conquerors through Christ who STRENGTHENS me Romans 8:37. Such a fitting verse, and I am seeing it come to life more in my life.

When you are emotionally driven, you seem to believe the choices you make today won’t effect your tomorrow – or won’t even think about the future. We tend to just live for the moment. Don’t get me wrong, we should have ”moments of enjoyment,” however, living wisely is most important. Living disciplined is important. Take it from me…no one gets away with nothing – how you treat people, how you treat your body, how you treat the life you have… consider that it is being recorded. Please be careful how you sow. I am now forced to handle things that I neglected, thank God for His mercy.

I can truly say I am turning over a new leaf, and it is hard. I started locating hidden fear pockets in my soul. Now I must face it. We come face to face now! my Goliath! what will I do?

Juanita, The Gardner.

How can I?

I use to battle severe jealousy. I’m no longer afraid to admit that, because I worked so hard to not allow it to have the control over me that it once had.

I had many unfortunate things to happen in my life (haven’t we all). When I wanted kids on my own, I found out I couldn’t because I had a disorder. I envied those that could get pregnant to the point I use to couldn’t be truly happy for them, because inside my heart, I secretly was wondering…what about me? that was always my thing when someone had something I wanted. I hid it from people, but inside it was a battle. I did not know how to grow beyond this level of immaturity…there were other voids that I had, due to lack in my early life, so I really didn’t know how to give people true accolades, even though part of me did.

You can not truly live life thinking like this. People will have things before you, and that’s ok. People will be promoted before you, and that’s ok. People will get the desires you wanted first, and that’s ok. People will have more than you at times and that’s ok. See this is how life is. And it is so sad if you can not celebrate the wins of others without you receiving first. So I began paving the way for others, giving people opportunities that they would have normally not have had the chance to have. I had to let Jealousy go.

You will have a better life when you learn to truly show up for people. It’s nothing like have a ”supposedly” friend, and they are secretly jealous of you. Don’t be that person.


Butterfly Effect

We will always go through many outer experiences, but those outer experiences, is to bring inner changes within, to repaint our souls so that we can ultimately model good character – to be able to walk in our purposes. God doesn’t want us to be messy in our lives, He wants us to be perfect greek word interpreted teleios (mature) lacking in nothing; James 1:4.
This does not always take place, maturity that is. Why? because we fight the process. We fight submission. God provides the means whereby we can grow. But how many times have you looked up and your still bearing forth the same fruit? You still show forth the same attitudes, tempers, offenses, mistrust, pride, jealousies, envies, rebellion to whats is truly right. See, when we fight change, we just outwardly age, and accumulate knowledge…that’s it! But when we yield to what God is trying to uproot, and replant, we then allow a beautiful change on the inside to take place, that will shine vibrantly on the outside. We should not only be surviving, but thriving. People admire changed lives. Now, do we change all at once? no! we gradually change. Transformation is a process of change. However, some don’t change at all. Why? because they love comfortable temperatures. They hold onto past offenses, grudges, and strife…and as a result, they remain stuck on the same level they been at for years, that’s tragic! remaining stuck in your soul. So many can not truly enjoy a meaningful life due to petty thinking and comprehension. They reject the Lord ministering to them to allow truth in. Can you sit in your truth? that’s the first sign that you are truly maturing. Can you admit that you are wrong? when you are wrong? Can you be coachable, and teachable. Are you willing to stop manipulating people to do what YOU want them to do? Can you?

***Think truly of these things, and sit in it. When change finally enters in…maturity is conceived.

To be continued…

Series Part 1